Stuck.. (this is a vent/sharing of feelings.
So, I know he’ll probably see this but I just don’t know how to cope. I broke up with my boyfriend over a week and a half ago, and it was my decision (the reasons I am not going to put up here, that’s too personal) but not because I was unfaithful. I would NEVER be unfaithful.
This is where things get difficult.
He had issues with dealing with me not being able to be in the relationship anymore because it was too much strain on me and I could only take so much of it before I was going to snap. I had pressures and still do of being at university, missing my family a lot, and feeling like I didn’t have that boulder of support holding me up, as well of other contributing factors outside of the relationship. Things were too intense for someone who has a very busy life as it is. He then begins to make changes in his life, and i’ve been with him for three years and in all honesty it’s been nice but… I always felt I had to carry and be strong for him and sometimes that takes it’s toll.
Anyway.. all week he hasn’t left me alone telling me how he can change and he just needs another chance and how things would be different and he could make me happy. Me breaking up with him has opened his eyes and now he sees things differently. I told him I was done and then things took a very sinister turn. Things are thrown in my face that have happened in the relationship and outside of me being with him that are then used against me and I’m told my life will be destroyed by him because I’ve destroyed his.
I understand this, I really do but it hurts me so much that the person who tells me he loves me and would do anything could spit so much venom at the person he “needs” back. I hate feeling like he has a hold on me like leverage because of the things he tells me he’ll do to destroy my life and then says that he only says these things out of anger, and this really breaks everything down in my head and leaves me numb. Awaiting the storm of destruction that is to follow.
To which life then doesn’t deal him the best of hands and I’m expected to be there for him and like this is some sort of sign that we should be back together because now is a time he really needs me. I tell him we can’t be together but I extend my hand in friendship to him and that this is rare because this doesn’t usually happen after a break up. I give the hand and he just seems to bite at it, lashing out because he NEEDS me as his boyfriend and without that status I am no good around him.
This upsets me because, I just cannot be that person for him anymore, I can’t find the person I used to be with him because, he left a long time ago and so I just got used to being the person I am now, having to deal with things myself and just getting on with being in my own company.
After yet another long and tiring conversation/heated debate about me not giving him a chance to prove himself (even when the past three years he’s had ample time, chances) I cannot give myself to him again.Everything within me will not allow myself to pass myself up to him again and yet to his defiance, eventually I am forged back into a relationship that feels like being forced into a small concrete square and not being able to breath, much like when you put yourself into a position where it hurts to breathe.
I feel numb and empty, and I feel he’s sat smiling and happy. Why do I feel like I have to live to keep him happy. That my existence purely is on the basis that this person needs me to survive and yet I cannot and do not want to be in the same room as them no longer. I am not repulsed but my body feels nothing. And I am told “you’ll feel like that for a few days”
I feel like nothing… awaiting the pins to start stabbing into my skin and not having the strength to breathe or feel happy anymore, just to endure the pain.
It feels like I now don’t have direction or purpose in my life no longer but he does. And that I have to be happy for him, I have to be there for him… with every bit of me that doesn’t want to, down to the tiniest cell in my body that repels I have to push, to make the effort to pay it back. I feel like I’m in a one way relationship where I’m someone else’s possession and “fuck you” to those who may have wanted to take a chance with me, Because now I’m his and nobody else can have me.
Tomorrow, We planned to meet to exchange Christmas Cards etc. And every inch of me doesn’t want to go.. but I have to if I want my life to be at peace, If I want to live without trouble then I have to, I have to be happy about it, and I have to be excited. Because he needs me… and I guess I have to be there.
This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do.. and the worst part of it all, I don’t know whether this makes me a good person, or a bad person. Because I never said I didn’t love him anymore, it was the relationship i didn’t love… not him. I don’t see how I’ve done him an injustice.
I just want to live my life in peace, I’m tired of fighting I thought getting out of the relationship would solve this, but now I’m no better than when I had left…in fact it’s worse.